I thought my self-esteem had bounced (literally) back from the Spanx debacle, but this morning, a little boy at Gabe’s daycare asked me if I was having a baby. And I WAS WEARING stomach slimming underwear! It took all my strength not to drive home and go back to bed.
So just to make myself feel better, I am posting this repulsive image of Khloe Kardashian and her Spanx misfortune. And then I am going start taking up a collection for liposuction.
But before that, let me share with you a much more forgiving and self-affirming perspective than I can muster from American writer Janet Burroway: “Why, I say, should I ever have bitterly blamed [my body] for such trifles as I have blamed it for: for having too much flesh in this spot, too little muscle in that, for producing this wrinkle, that sag, that gray hair, or this texture? Dear body! My dear body! It has gone about its incessant business with very little thanks.”
P.S. Thank you, arms and legs, for not pushing that little boy over and making him cry.
Yesterday was the annual Garden Walk in our fair cities, where gardening is a religion. The Garden Walk is an event where you pay lots of money to walk through other people’s gardens that are much nicer than yours will ever be. Like many religious ceremonies which purport to inspire you to transcend your human flaws and encourage you to be a better person, this one shows you examples of what you should aspire to be, highlights your sins (envy, sloth, greed), and leaves you feeling grovelly and inadequate.
To combat this, my sons and I made fun of the plethora of floppy straw hats and unflattering khaki shorts. Also, as a defense mechanism against my feelings of inadequacy, we made a little list of the ten most inappropriate things you can do on a Garden Walk, which you can read below, and possibly use if you are ever in this situation.